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I got a surprising email today from Mr. BR. Although the tone was sweet it actually pissed me off. He had written that he has been with me in spirit blah blah. Then he said that he was here for me always. lol. First of all that isn't how I view love or friendship. Gee, you watched me struggle and yet you did nothing. Hell you haven't heard from me in many years now. Not since I got thrown out your apartment that night. I made myself clear that I hate you. Yes, hate. Good strong word to use. Anyone who thinks they can make an appearance in my life after years and claim they have been with me from the start, is ignorant. See I am funny that way. It doesn't take much to keep someone a part in my life. And with almost everyone I generally let back in my life for a second chance. Mr. BR and Mrs. B don't get that priveledge. Ever. I sent a reply to him, making it clear he is to never get a hold of me again. The foolish girl he knew, died a long time ago.



A recent blow to the head has left me a little disoriented to say the least. Every time I try to think the stupid wound hurts and throbs. Once again I am in survivaly mode. I haven't told anyone that I am hurting. Why make them worry when I crumble? I am so tired of physical pain. I'm just tired of pain in general.

I've been debating with myself for a couple of weeks since I finished the story I wrote. Should I do this? Either way I will probably be greeted with silence so it shouldn't matter. But it does to me I want to do it. I should thank my inspirations personally. Tonight. What the hell right?

I am so full of rage. too bad I couldn’t hurt those who are hurting me in a way with just my mind. This world better be glad that at this moment I don’t have anything at my fingertips for revenge. Why? What has made me such a bad person? I can’t catch a break, I wish for once in my life things would change for the better not for the worst. Things were just starting to look up for me. Now I am stuck with lies. I have had to start over from square one over and over again. I am not sure I will survive anything past square one. This is such bullshit. Sob#2 is back to his old ways. Reminding me constantly that in a world filled with people no one wants me. His irrational selfish flighty way of approaching life is starting to run me the wrong way. All I want is a better life for me and her while being happy. I'm busting my life for nothing. Anything that is good in my life turns for the worst quickly. This universe is pissed at me and I'm losing the game. I'm not dreaming anymore, and I am barely sleeping. I'm tired in more ways than one. I couldn't finish the second book I was reading. I can't read fairy tales anymore. Its all lies. I'm secretly embracing my darker side by reading more extreme novels. I feel that it's something needed for my sanity.

My face is scaring people at work. I always thought I was pretty. I haven't given them any reason to fear me. Its infuriating. I don't think I belong in society anymore. I have to paint a smile because I am all I have. I don't want to end up being homeless again. I wish I could give them a reason to be scared. Its like I am in school again being picked on by everybody because I was different.

Why? Why should any of it matter? But it does and I have failed yet again.

I have made it to book two on my story and the one I'm reading. The rest of everything is going really badly. Sigh.

I started to read again finding nothing new to occupy my mind. Vampires maybe book one is really speaking to me. But at the same time it makes me feel stupid. There are no fairy tales in life I have accepted that. I wish I didn't feel so damn crazy. I wish I could understand things better.

I'm quite certain I'm being lied to and played as a fool. I keep hoping for something that seems to be just out of my grasp. Its pissing me off. Its just so aggravating.

I found the ring from my dreams! It is a silver double love knot ring with a small garnet stone in the middle. I don't know why this particular sends a sort of electric vibe down my spine. I thought about buying it when I get money. It feels wrong buying it for myself for some reason. I keep looking at it, it's so pretty and it's a thrill just to look at it.

So many lies and foolishly I keep believing them. I guess a part of me really is hoping for a change but like everything else wrong in my life I can't afford to be foolish. I would like to think the bastards care but they don't. I'm just another faceless number in the crowd. I have to remind myself that I'm trying really hard to be a better person and not give in to the dark desire for revenge. It's intoxicating to think of showing those righteous bastards the real secret of me. I loathe the fact I have to stay there. Being a better person sucks. Being alone sucks. I want someone to confide in and will be there for me when I need them the most without judgement. Even if all I want at the time is a kiss. My mind keeps wandering with what ifs. I used to think Mr. N was that person but it wasn't the case. He never believed me and never was around when I needed him. At one point he called me ignorant. I let him get away with it too. I miss Mr. X. I deleted him because I wanted to believe he still cared about me a tiny bit. But I think I was wrong. Its been years now and he never came back to talk to me or mend our friendship. He just left. Couldn't handle my crazy as much as I wanted him to.



I've made some friends but mostly they know my painted smile masking everything about me. I want to open up but something stops me. I'm so depressed to be honest. I've been contemplating sucide again. Not at the moment but in 6 years when she will no longer need me. I hate the g thought of leaving her all together. I keep telling myself don't be silly someone cares. What if I am wrong? In tired it's time to give in to the nothingness that's is my dreams as of late.

I woke up with a migraine today then a day in the sun didn't help. I feel like my eyes got burned. I'm tired my patience is thin. I have to stop eating I don't want to look grotesque. I'm so hungry but I need to figure things out. I decided for right now just to lay low and when she is a little bit older explain things to her if she wants. For right now, I have other things to worry about. Like my finances and eating myself to death. For right now I need to sleep this migraine away. I have a tough week coming my way.

I'm conflicted. I am not really sure how to approach a couple of problems. I've been thinking about it 6 hrs now. For once in my life I have no strong direction for my heart or mind. I'm failing in some areas. If I tell her the truth, what if she decided to follow me on This path. I don't want that this road is hard enough. But if I pretend I am what I am obviously not what is it going to cost me? The sob#2 is introducing her into a world he doesn't even believe in. That Fucking idiot keeps Fucking everything up.



In my mind I'm starting to wander. A certain type of wander that I've never really experienced before. Suddenly I have carnal desires that test my boundries. Not just that but I am bingeing again on food. I'm so hungry.I haven't eaten anything raw in a while. I feel like I'm slowly killing myself. I keep telling myself 6 more years. But I haven't given any thought if I survive longer than that. I don't have any idea what the hell I'm doing anymore.

I am struggling still. Working on straightening up my finances since it's just me . I hate my job to be honest, but I keep it. Things on the homefront are ok I guess. I don't know maybe I am just settling it's just easier to not make any waves. Don't get me wrong, I still hate him. But it's just easier to stay where I am at. I'm not dreaming anymore, I am actually sleeping, but it makes me uneasy. Dreaming about nothing tends to put me on edge. I started to write on my Eli the vampire story. I keep trying to make it a love story but in retrospect I don't really know how to end it. I would love to write it where the two main characters are finally together. Some how it makes me feel hollow. None of the stories end in a happy ending, why shouldn't this one right? Writing it makes my heart race. In a world filled with monsters like myself there is no hope left. My entire existence really means nothing. sigh, I am still depressed. I can't crawl out of this black hole that I have fallen into. I would love to cling on the fantasy that I am worth something to someone. I would love to hope for that knight in the shinning armour to sweep me off my feet, and show me true love exists. All that just paints me as a fool. There is nothing and nobody for me. I shall die from a broken heart. 6 more years swinging in this noose.